Bald Eagle Freedom Friday T-Shirt

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'Merica.

'Merica

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Hiroshima

August 6, 1945— It was a muggy August morning as the sun crept over the horizon.  It was foggy and visibility was low.

A stocky bald eagle stumbled into Japanese air space.  He was having a rough morning.  He'd had a little too much Taco Bell the night before and was feeling the consequences.  His stomach was churning as the burrito ripped through his insides.  He faltered in the air as a sharp stomach cramp hit him.

He'd been trying to hold it in until he reached the sea, but he couldn't bear it any longer.  All at once, he relinquished control of his bowel movements, causing fecal matter to erupt from his anus.

This massive shit became known as an atomic bomb.  'Merica.

Merica

Don't mess with 'Merica

5 Bald Eagle Mating Rituals

1. The bald eagle mating song is the Star-Spangled Banner.  
2. When bald eagles have sex, the whole tree shakes, causing the leaves to fall to the ground.  This phenomenon is known as fall.  
3. Bald eagle sperm have drills for heads and can drill through steel, making them the ultimate reproductive species in nature.  
4. Every July 4th, bald eagles take part in a nationwide orgy.  This phenomenon is known as the annual "Fuck you," to Great Britain.  
5. Bald eagle penises have razor sharp edges.  The females like it rough.  

'Merica

You can follow us on Twitter @Bald_Eagle_Fact 

D-Day

June 6, 1944—That day encompasses the greatness of the American fighting spirit.  As the sun rose over the beach of Normandy, an airstrike of bald eagles darted through the summer air.  As they approached the beach, they aroused themselves sexually.  When they reached the beach, they dropped their load, blinding the Fascists bastards.  You see, bald eagle cum blinds its enemies.

Subsequently, the American soldiers were allowed to land on the beach and beat the shit out of the Nazis.

The British are Coming

Paul Revere is most famous for alerting the Colonists about the British soldiers' approach by bellowing the words, "The British are coming."  However, this was not entirely accurate.

On April 18, 1775, Paul Revere was fucking plastered.  I mean, he was so hammered that he was humping a tree, literally to shit and giggle.  He was so oblivious to his surroundings that he did not notice the British forces marching towards him.  As the British were about to attack, an army of bald eagles swooped down and saved him.

He climbed on the back of one of the bald eagles, which flew him to warn the Colonists.  Meanwhile, the remaining bald eagles began to shit on the British.  Why were they defecating on them, you ask?  Well, if you had paid attention in your American History class, you'd know that bald eagle shit blinds its victims.  In an effort to avoid the blinding fecal matter, the British began running in the direction of the Colonists' headquarters.

In addition to blinding its victims, bald eagle shit causes male victims to pop a raging boner and spontaneously ejaculate.  As the British forces reached the Colonists, Paul Revere did not shout, "The British are Coming."  He actually shouted, "The British are Cuming."

Subsequently, the Colonists mowed down the blind British pussies like a John Deere tractor.  'Merica.

The Ultimate Predator

There is a subspecies of bald eagles that shoots 50 caliber rounds out of its asshole at 3000 ft/sec.  This subspecies was the inspiration for the Gatling gun, and subsequently, the machine gun.

They are a fierce predator.  They attack by flying through the sky and turning their body so that their ass faces their prey.  As they pump the molten lead out of their feathery assholes, a majestic battle cry erupts from their beak.  This battle cry is none other than the Star Spangled Banner.  As a result of this occurrence, scientists have nicknamed the bird Uncle Sam.

Upon seeing this vicious creature, terrorists have been known to spontaneously shit themselves out of sheer terror.  This phenomenon is known as the Uncle Sam Effect.  The birds frequently follow the travel patterns of desert thunderstorms in the Middle East and are thus the origin of the word, "shit-storm."

There is no doubt that Uncle Sam is the ultimate predator.


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You can follow me on Twitter @Bald_Eagle_Fact.

The Boston Tea Party

One day, a few intoxicated bald eagles were flying over the Boston Harbor.  They were so fuckin' plastered that they mistook chests of tea for fish. They wrestled the chests into the water, and some high Bostonians at a costume party dressed as Indians thought it was a celebration.  They joined in, and the rest is history.  'Merica.

'Merica 101

Ya'll don't need a fancy history book or teachin' lady to learn 'bout the history of the greatest country on this damn planet.  All you need is a computer and some duct tape.  

I'm gonna teach you about the real history of 'Merica from a perspective you've never seen before.  So, sit back and relax.  

Welcome to 'Merica 101.  Class is in session.