The British are Coming

Paul Revere is most famous for alerting the Colonists about the British soldiers' approach by bellowing the words, "The British are coming."  However, this was not entirely accurate.

On April 18, 1775, Paul Revere was fucking plastered.  I mean, he was so hammered that he was humping a tree, literally to shit and giggle.  He was so oblivious to his surroundings that he did not notice the British forces marching towards him.  As the British were about to attack, an army of bald eagles swooped down and saved him.

He climbed on the back of one of the bald eagles, which flew him to warn the Colonists.  Meanwhile, the remaining bald eagles began to shit on the British.  Why were they defecating on them, you ask?  Well, if you had paid attention in your American History class, you'd know that bald eagle shit blinds its victims.  In an effort to avoid the blinding fecal matter, the British began running in the direction of the Colonists' headquarters.

In addition to blinding its victims, bald eagle shit causes male victims to pop a raging boner and spontaneously ejaculate.  As the British forces reached the Colonists, Paul Revere did not shout, "The British are Coming."  He actually shouted, "The British are Cuming."

Subsequently, the Colonists mowed down the blind British pussies like a John Deere tractor.  'Merica.