The British are Coming

Paul Revere is most famous for alerting the Colonists about the British soldiers' approach by bellowing the words, "The British are coming."  However, this was not entirely accurate.

On April 18, 1775, Paul Revere was fucking plastered.  I mean, he was so hammered that he was humping a tree, literally to shit and giggle.  He was so oblivious to his surroundings that he did not notice the British forces marching towards him.  As the British were about to attack, an army of bald eagles swooped down and saved him.

He climbed on the back of one of the bald eagles, which flew him to warn the Colonists.  Meanwhile, the remaining bald eagles began to shit on the British.  Why were they defecating on them, you ask?  Well, if you had paid attention in your American History class, you'd know that bald eagle shit blinds its victims.  In an effort to avoid the blinding fecal matter, the British began running in the direction of the Colonists' headquarters.

In addition to blinding its victims, bald eagle shit causes male victims to pop a raging boner and spontaneously ejaculate.  As the British forces reached the Colonists, Paul Revere did not shout, "The British are Coming."  He actually shouted, "The British are Cuming."

Subsequently, the Colonists mowed down the blind British pussies like a John Deere tractor.  'Merica.

The Ultimate Predator

There is a subspecies of bald eagles that shoots 50 caliber rounds out of its asshole at 3000 ft/sec.  This subspecies was the inspiration for the Gatling gun, and subsequently, the machine gun.

They are a fierce predator.  They attack by flying through the sky and turning their body so that their ass faces their prey.  As they pump the molten lead out of their feathery assholes, a majestic battle cry erupts from their beak.  This battle cry is none other than the Star Spangled Banner.  As a result of this occurrence, scientists have nicknamed the bird Uncle Sam.

Upon seeing this vicious creature, terrorists have been known to spontaneously shit themselves out of sheer terror.  This phenomenon is known as the Uncle Sam Effect.  The birds frequently follow the travel patterns of desert thunderstorms in the Middle East and are thus the origin of the word, "shit-storm."

There is no doubt that Uncle Sam is the ultimate predator.


--
You can follow me on Twitter @Bald_Eagle_Fact.

The Boston Tea Party

One day, a few intoxicated bald eagles were flying over the Boston Harbor.  They were so fuckin' plastered that they mistook chests of tea for fish. They wrestled the chests into the water, and some high Bostonians at a costume party dressed as Indians thought it was a celebration.  They joined in, and the rest is history.  'Merica.

'Merica 101

Ya'll don't need a fancy history book or teachin' lady to learn 'bout the history of the greatest country on this damn planet.  All you need is a computer and some duct tape.  

I'm gonna teach you about the real history of 'Merica from a perspective you've never seen before.  So, sit back and relax.  

Welcome to 'Merica 101.  Class is in session.